Leaving On a Jet Plane

tunamagic @ 2007-12-19T20:36:00

2007-12-20T01:41:16Z

I've listened to Al Stewart's "Year of the Cat" a million times in the past week. That melody is heartbreaking. It reminds me that everything can fall apart at any moment like one loose thread of a crocheted sweater. I'm exhausted, literally a mess and I got excited today because I thought I might cry. But I still can't. Not over anything. I'm truly fine, but stress is taking it's toll on me and I can't help just wanting to lay around all day feeling sorry for myself. Those days of self-indulgent pity are necessary every once in awhile. I just want to get from where I am to where I want to be now; no more waiting. I can't wait around anymore for something that isn't guaranteed. I can't keep breaking my own rules, doing things I know are a bad idea, and putting my heart on my sleeve. I also should stop kidding myself; I need progress.

tunamagic @ 2007-12-15T23:59:00

2007-12-16T04:59:46Z

My baby left me in the cold hard rain. Those were the lyrics to a song I heard once. I never quite understood them until I felt the cold rains myself. I always thought them beautiful and tragic; but actually feeling the icy chill of the cold in my bones, I truly understood the way it affected a persons body. The sting of your fingertips and the sudden loss of feeling between your toes. The way my lips and hair would capture the cold and let it linger throughout my body. The loneliness that it brought, this was worst of all. Something about the freezing rain made you realize how truly alone you were. If you loved someone, it made you long for them. No one had left me; but I felt abandoned. A million miles away from everything I wanted. The cold had invaded my body and was in my blood now. It made me understand why things die and cannot grow in the winter. When I stepped inside away from the cold hard rain the feeling returned to my body and I lost the despair that I had felt, but I never forgot the fear that it might not return.

tunamagic @ 2007-12-11T01:00:00

2007-12-11T06:03:13Z

" I'm not going to say you were the best thing thats ever happened to me because, honestly, there were times I wished Id never met you."

Someone wrote this to me 3 years ago. I think the recurring theme of all of my relationships is that I have this similar effect on people.

tunamagic @ 2007-11-27T00:45:00

2007-11-27T05:47:52Z

There are two kinds of women. Jeneane Garafolos and Umu Thurmans. This movie perfectly describes my entire relationship history. Except for the bullshit ending. What's funny is that I always forget how it ends. Then I usually catch it on TBS at midnight and I hate the outcome. I'm so Jeneane.

tunamagic @ 2007-11-18T17:54:00

2007-11-18T23:01:20Z

I'm having serious panic attacks concerning my life from now to March.

tunamagic @ 2007-11-14T23:07:00

2007-11-15T04:07:39Z

I feel like I am slowly getting back to that place in my life where I am content being single. I was sidetracked for a second with the deluded notion that I should actually get into a relationship, but luckily I have been cleared of all such ideas and I am back to being the lonely, cynical recluse I once was. But I am very happy this way. I’ve come to realize that I thoroughly enjoy being alone. I actually enjoy loneliness. I thrive off of the painful shortcomings of my day-to-day life. If things actually started going extremely well, I fear that I might lose this misanthropic spirit that I have come to treasure. My plan for the next year looks something like this:

Work non-stop
Go to School/study non-stop
Have no social life whatsoever
Get a dog

I like being lonely. I don’t think I want to meet someone to ruin that for me. I just want to be in the big city where I am too busy to notice how truly lonely I am. I want to ride the subway, walk the busy streets, come home to a small, cramped and silent apartment and revel in my solitude. ah, I can't wait to fill my lungs with smog

tunamagic @ 2007-11-06T12:09:00

2007-11-06T05:17:15Z

Can't be strong anymore. I'm completely falling apart.

her disappearing theme

2007-11-04T04:38:46Z

Ive listened to "Lover's Spit" by Broken Social Scene at least 50 times today. Ive never been so unsure of anything as I am about him.

tunamagic @ 2007-11-03T00:53:00

2007-11-03T04:54:01Z

'When you love someone, it doesn't really matter if they love you back or not. Having love in your heart for someone is its own reward. Or punishment, depending on the circumstances."

tunamagic @ 2007-10-11T11:16:00

2007-10-11T15:18:02Z

I really dont want my life to end up like Julia Roberts in "My best friends wedding."

tunamagic @ 2007-10-08T00:03:00

2007-10-08T04:05:03Z

I think in another life, I might have been a squid.

tunamagic @ 2007-09-28T00:03:00

2007-09-28T04:04:04Z

My parents really dont want me to move out of state.

This really sweetens the deal.

tunamagic @ 2007-09-11T00:07:00

2007-09-11T04:14:16Z

empty.

tunamagic @ 2007-09-02T02:20:00

2007-09-02T06:25:17Z

I never get bummed being the third wheel. (or fifth). I never get sad watching romantic movies. The only time I ever want to have a boyfriend is when I encounter a situation like this:

. I haven't been able to sleep because I have a terrible headache and I can't breathe through my nose: so I decided to use the food processor I bought for myself to make Alex some Sun-dried Tomato Pesto. I know this is ridiculous, but I open the package expecting to see a food processor; not little pieces of a food processor wrapped in plastic. Now I am sprawled out on my floor with a disassembled kitchen appliance and all i think of is how I wish I had a significant other to do this for me. He could also take care of the light-bulb that has gone out in my kitchen.

I'm going to be awake a little longer.

tunamagic @ 2007-08-31T12:16:00

2007-08-31T16:21:58Z

sometimes the act of getting my hopes up for something that will never happen is almost better than it actually happening at all.

It's inspiring.

tunamagic @ 2007-08-16T21:22:00

2007-08-17T01:14:52Z

Dear August,

please be good to me. Be generous with love and sparing with stress. Give me something good to remember, please.

Love,
Ashley

tunamagic @ 2007-08-12T13:03:00

2007-08-12T17:08:21Z

I just finished riding to all the FL dates with Bitter End while they stayed with me, and I have to say, it really makes me realize how much i hate goodbyes. It also makes me realize how much I would both love/hate to be a guy on tour. The only 3 things on my mind the entire time were sleep, shower,eat. Tuesday, I will have to say goodbye to the shipwreck guys and then I'll be back in Coral Springs until my parents come home from Trinidad. I'm feeling absolutley down about this coming semester, maybe its because Im not going to get good classes and I'll be living alone, but mostly because I feel like I could use some excitement. anyway, within the year, once my lease is close to being up, I will no longer be in Florida. I;m not sure where I will go next, but I feel like Im ready to move onto something else.

tunamagic @ 2007-08-08T13:21:00

2007-08-08T17:21:12Z

"Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could."

The Painted Drum, Louise Erdich

tunamagic @ 2007-08-04T00:43:00

2007-08-04T04:45:03Z

I went to see a movie alone like I have millions of times before. But, tonight, it was different. for some reason I feel an awkward unwelcome loneliness.

tunamagic @ 2007-07-30T11:48:00

2007-07-30T15:52:38Z

I might as well accept that I am a professional single. Whether or not I'm happier this way makes no difference, it seems it's just my place in life to be the third-wheel, the somewhat discontent cynic, a muse of sorts. I'm not dissapointed; it is what it is. If God gave me the choice to be in love right now, I'm sad to say I probably wouldnt take it - Id rather invest what Ive got in the people around me. Because, truthfully, I can't trust love. and I can't afford it right now either. And when I get to Gainesville, I plan to avoid it at all costs.

tunamagic @ 2007-07-04T12:45:00

2007-07-04T16:46:55Z

I could be alone forever;, I think, stranded on some desert island with a good book and some shade could be paradise. Maybe there could be a dog, too.

Sundays

2007-06-18T06:09:34Z

My end of the week tradition is called "undie-Sundays". Since Sunday is my laundry day, I take advantage of this time to be half-naked all day. I look forward to my Sundies more than anything. Today I ate cereal and watched re-runs of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" in my undies. While doing this, I realized how much I enjoy my privacy; and horrible teenage melodramas.

tunamagic @ 2007-06-16T19:10:00

2007-06-16T23:10:40Z

I need to decide. I need to decide. I need to decide. I need to decide. i need to decide.

tunamagic @ 2007-05-21T17:50:00

2007-05-21T21:53:09Z

I hate the future. even the thought of it makes me wish I could rewind time before everything changed. I dont want to regret, but i cant help it. I dont feel like any less of a person because I do; but, I wish I could leave it behind.

tunamagic @ 2007-04-27T10:50:00

2007-04-27T14:52:32Z

I now spend a large portion of my life on Stickam. I just woke up and Coolio's :"Gangsta's Paradise" is playing on the radio. Lifetime is tonight. I have no money in the bank, and I still feel invincible. Things are going well.