Leaving On a Jet Plane

I've listened to Al Stewart's "Year of the Cat" a million times in the past week. That melody is heartbreaking. It reminds me that everything can fall apart at any moment like one loose thread of a crocheted sweater. I'm exhausted, literally a mess and I got excited today because I thought I might cry. But I still can't. Not over anything. I'm truly fine, but stress is taking it's toll on me and I can't help just wanting to lay around all day feeling sorry for myself. Those days of self-indulgent pity are necessary every once in awhile. I just want to get from where I am to where I want to be now; no more waiting. I can't wait around anymore for something that isn't guaranteed. I can't keep breaking my own rules, doing things I know are a bad idea, and putting my heart on my sleeve. I also should stop kidding myself; I need progress.

My baby left me in the cold hard rain. Those were the lyrics to a song I heard once. I never quite understood them until I felt the cold rains myself. I always thought them beautiful and tragic; but actually feeling the icy chill of the cold in my bones, I truly understood the way it affected a persons body. The sting of your fingertips and the sudden loss of feeling between your toes. The way my lips and hair would capture the cold and let it linger throughout my body. The loneliness that it brought, this was worst of all. Something about the freezing rain made you realize how truly alone you were. If you loved someone, it made you long for them. No one had left me; but I felt abandoned. A million miles away from everything I wanted. The cold had invaded my body and was in my blood now. It made me understand why things die and cannot grow in the winter. When I stepped inside away from the cold hard rain the feeling returned to my body and I lost the despair that I had felt, but I never forgot the fear that it might not return.

" I'm not going to say you were the best thing thats ever happened to me because, honestly, there were times I wished Id never met you."

Someone wrote this to me 3 years ago. I think the recurring theme of all of my relationships is that I have this similar effect on people.

I'm having serious panic attacks concerning my life from now to March.

I feel like I am slowly getting back to that place in my life where I am content being single. I was sidetracked for a second with the deluded notion that I should actually get into a relationship, but luckily I have been cleared of all such ideas and I am back to being the lonely, cynical recluse I once was. But I am very happy this way. I’ve come to realize that I thoroughly enjoy being alone. I actually enjoy loneliness. I thrive off of the painful shortcomings of my day-to-day life. If things actually started going extremely well, I fear that I might lose this misanthropic spirit that I have come to treasure. My plan for the next year looks something like this:

Work non-stop
Go to School/study non-stop
Have no social life whatsoever
Get a dog

I like being lonely. I don’t think I want to meet someone to ruin that for me. I just want to be in the big city where I am too busy to notice how truly lonely I am. I want to ride the subway, walk the busy streets, come home to a small, cramped and silent apartment and revel in my solitude. ah, I can't wait to fill my lungs with smog

Ive listened to "Lover's Spit" by Broken Social Scene at least 50 times today. Ive never been so unsure of anything as I am about him.

'When you love someone, it doesn't really matter if they love you back or not. Having love in your heart for someone is its own reward. Or punishment, depending on the circumstances."

I really dont want my life to end up like Julia Roberts in "My best friends wedding."